I’ve been struggling lately. Thoughts of suicide permeating my thoughts, paired with an overwhelming sense of loneliness and brokenness. And I didn’t want to live there any longer. While my brain doesn’t process things “correctly”, I wanted to take whatever steps I could to help get myself out of this rut. So I scurried off to the ocean, looking to be refreshed and renewed.

Shortly before I left, I had dinner with my family, and my nieces (ages 4 and 5) decided to put on a show for us. They took turns singing and dancing and did so fervently, uninhibited by fear. As a little girl I was a dreamer, a wild one, and I loved everything and everyone and lived fully. My nickname at 6 or 7 was RiverWoman (I used to run around the desert washes without shoes, hair all tangled and running in the wind). Then, like everyone, I got older and allowed myself to be influenced by the world more and more, bringing on these qualities that never belonged in my soul in the first place: sadness, anger, depression, bitterness, fear, self-loathing. As my nieces were performing for us, I sat there in awe, wondering, “Where did this person go?”

I went off in search of the RiverWoman; I needed to find her again in order to keep living. I couldn’t live life as I had been living, because I was slowly getting less happy and, in my opinion, less fun to be around.

San Diego was my childhood vacation spot, so where else should I begin? I loved playing in the waves, lying in the sun, walking along the boardwalk barefoot, and simply being alive and enjoying the view. I took off toward the shore, staying with a friend who lived nearby.

The second I stepped onto the beach in the late afternoon, I had to stop and just weave my toes in the sand. Savor the feeling. Walked into the slightly chilly water and stared out as far as I could see. A calm found its way over my frame as I continued to dig my feet into the sand while the waves slowly kissed my legs. For the first time I connected with my breath and the ocean simultaneously and it felt like bliss.

There was a young family nearby and a little one was playing in the waves, nervous and excited as each one would come “crashing” on the shore. It’s funny, we get older and get further and further out into the ocean as the waves appear smaller as we grow taller, but that doesn’t change what “counts” as a wave, does it? Whether a 10-ft wave that the surfers love or the inches high wave that thrills and delights a 2 yr-old, who are we to define what a wave is? I began to compare it to my feelings of depression. I always feel so embarrassed by the things that hurt me, and I end up keeping many things inside as I “shouldn’t” be affected by them. But big or small, these things matter. Every person has a different understanding of waves, of what constitutes a mountain or a mole hill, but isn’t the point how we handle the waves? Doesn’t matter the size of the issue–if you’re hurt, you’re hurt. Own it. But it can’t cripple you from moving forward. Many times have I been tossed around in the waves, not sure when I would be able to come up for air, but as a kid I never let that keep me from coming back and trying to boogie board on the next big wave. In fact, I began to love how it felt to be completely out of control and know that I would survive. Strange how we let fear change the thrill, huh?

Walking along the shore, I started thinking about how the waves cleanse away any footprints, and soon it will look like a perfect shoreline that no one has ever walked on. The blemishes, the hindrances, the ocean doesn’t care, it simply moves and does what it was meant to do. I began to picture the different things the waves could cleanse from my feet, the pieces I have picked up some time between being RiverWoman til now. Get rid of the behaviors and blemishes I’ve adopted over the years, since they really never belonged in my life in the first place. Instead, choose joy. Choose to be that RiverWoman again. Choose to see life as new and exciting. Find something to learn every day, even if the lesson doesn’t seem very fun at the time.

Renew my capacity to love and live fully. Jump in, feel the ground, find my strength in the Earth and begin anew. Re-release the RiverWoman 🙂

I would love to hear from you and your ways of noticing what negativity you’ve picked up and are working on letting go. This life is all about connecting with those around you, and I would love the opportunity to connect through this blog. Until then, get on your mat, breathe, and choose joy.