I’ve been trying to decide lately if I need a new hashtag for my life.

I’m sure this is an entirely relatable sentence, because everyone clearly lives their lives by a hashtag. 🙄

But back in 2016, I began to search for a mantra that fit my goals for myself. As someone who has fought depression for about 14 years, a short phrase kept coming back to me: choose joy. I have posted about this particular phrase before, so feel free to check it out (it’s called Choosing Joy).

It’s served me well as a reminder when I post on Instagram to always make the effort to see the joy in my life and actions. And yet, it can’t carry me forever. So I’ve been thinking for a few months about what I want to focus on next. Suddenly, a couple nights ago while washing my hair, it hit me: BE GOLDEN.

A few years back, when I was struggling really hard with depression and suicidal ideation (post-suicide attempt), I was talking with my mom about how I couldn’t figure out how to get out of my funk. I couldn’t think I was worth anything other than a piece of trash. I hated so much about myself and didn’t comprehend how to stop these self-loathing and destructive thoughts.

I’m thankful that my mom wanted to pray with me at that moment. While my faith might not mirror exactly how I was raised, I have always admired and respected my folks’ quick response to turn to God when things seem like there is no hope.

She had me lay her head on her knee while she stroked my hair and I sobbed into her lap as a grown woman without motivation to live. Then she began to pray and ask God to give me peace and to show me how HE sees me, as his precious child. She then said, “Lord, if you could just give her one word that describes how precious she is to You, or who she is in You, please give her that now”. I continued to sniffle and whimper and she finished her prayer. We embraced for a moment and kept chatting a bit.

As I was getting ready to leave, she stopped me to ask, “Did you hear a word? Because I did.”

“Yeah,” I said. “What did you hear?”

“Gold.” I was stunned for a second. There are moments in our lives when things are too coincidental to chock it up to fate. My eyes started welling up again.

“I heard ‘golden'”.

My mom slowly smiled, and I laughed with a childish glee of disbelief.

That moment has continued to stick with me as I’ve fought to choose joy and learn to love myself, including this dark beast that I likely won’t ever fully defeat. It was a turning point in my life when I realized I needed to stop believing the lies that I was worthless and had nothing to offer or deserved nothing good in my life. And as I’ve pursued a better self this last year, there has been this growing sense of self-worth and pride in the woman that I am. It’s still awkward; I don’t actually really feel comfortable thinking I’m awesome at some things, but I felt a lot worse thinking I was awful at everything, so… this is still better, right?

Be golden. Learning to see who I really am and letting that include taking delight in who I am. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am precious. I am golden. I have a myriad of things to offer, regardless of my imperfections. (By the way, this paragraph feels super uncomfortable to write and post… I don’t know about this!).

For 2019 (or until another mantra finds its way to my heart), I am choosing to #begolden. To live as a woman who knows her worth in her relationships, work, hobbies, self-talk, and anything else. To be comfortable setting boundaries and expectations for how others treat me and what friendships or relationships deserve my energy. Bring it on!

-Jenna

#begolden