A long overdue meditation sesh tonight in my hotel room (work trip, not a vacation) brought up some clarity.

Surprise!

Isn’t it absurd that the things that are best for us, like quiet, reflective meditation or prayer, always end up being the things we put on the back burner when life gets busy?

On the way from the airport yesterday, I had a phenomenal Uber driver. I mean, amazing. We talked about life goals, yoga, how technology has shaped our world in good and bad ways, how both of us are grateful we live in the times we do now based on how many more opportunities women and black men have in this day (regardless of how far we could still go). You know, normal chats with a stranger in a 30 minute car ride. But what got me most in the whole conversation was his thoughts around priorities. He said to me, “You’re not like most people your age, and that’s encouraging. You have your priorities for what you want in life and from life laid out, and now you just have to have faith in HOW things will work out.”

Wade, you hit the nail on the head.

I am always so terrified of the HOW. What’s next? What’s to come? I’m so worried it won’t go the way I’ve envisioned or something will turn out pretty poorly. So I strive to earn my place, my space, my love. It’s slightly sad. But also fully a part of my life.

So, back to meditation. My hands on my chest and belly, lying on my back with feet together and knees wide, eyes closed and no sound but traffic from the nearby highway. In the past few years, my meditations have been part prayer, part listening, depending on the place I’m at mentally. For me it’s important to allow for self-talk, speaking to God, and making sure to listen to what’s being said to me as well.

I’ve been struggling recently with my inclination to earn love. That the woman I am and the effort I give are not actually directly related to the love I receive, or more importantly, HOW I receive love.

I fight, I show up for the ones I care about– sometimes entirely selflessly, and sometimes with this little inkling that perhaps they might notice my efforts today and offer kind words. It sounds ridiculously selfish and pathetic when I voice this truth, but it’s a part of me. I am a natural giver and helper, and at my healthiest state, this is unattached to a response. However, in my insecure moments, I hope I’m earning some sense of irreplaceability in that person’s mind.

If you haven’t taken a personality test, specifically an Enneagram test, go do it. It’s enlightening to actualize your true motivation in a way that is succinct and pretty factual. I am a Helper. I am terrified of being disposable.

So I work at it. I give gifts, I give compliments, I overextend myself in errands, making others feel comfortable, etc. And while sometimes this is a beautiful and lovely quality rooted in selflessness, sometimes I just want to feel valued. And it might not be obvious to me in the moment. It’s not like, “If I bring this person a coffee, maybe they’ll like me”.

Although, that’s probably been me in certain places. I’ve had some pretty solid low points. 🙌🏻

I want to give myself some credit, because I’m working on that #begolden part of my focus where I’m trying to be kinder to myself: I’ve come a long way. I notice when I’m being selfish far quicker than I used to, and I’m both thankful and proud of that. But this is still absolutely an area of my life and my heart that requires some conscious effort.

So with hands on heart and belly, connecting to my body and breath, a soft voice gave me this truth:

Give not for validation or adoration; give for the sake of giving.

How can I best love my partner in a way that boosts his life? Not to earn his affection or loyalty, but because he deserves to be loved. How can I best give my efforts toward work that improve my environment and productivity, not to gain favor but to affect my work ethic and goals, as well as others? And here’s the newest question that takes some additional exertion in asking: how can I give to myself grace when I am imperfect and strength when I feel like crumbling? Not to prove anything to anyone, but because that is who I want to be.

Woof. Sometimes I feel like I get a little too heavy in these little posts. Like, hey, Jenna, that’s what a journal is for! And yet I won’t delete this; because maybe just one person needed this today, even if it’s just me reading it another time.

Get out there and love some people. The golden rule might not always seem to pay off, but maybe it’s called “golden” because it is rare and precious. (Yes, I am aware gold is not as rare as it used to be 😉)

Give for the sake of giving, whether it is deserved or not, whether you will get affirmation or not. Give to yourself and others just the same. And above all, #begolden.

Sending joy to the whole lot of you,

Jenna